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Same Old Shit2024-06-24 - 10:02 a.m. Pool party at our house yesterday, and now Kurt's not talking to me. Yelling, but no talking. While we were trying to get everything on the table for dinner, I was anxious/nervous (no reason but my fucked up head), and Kurt was asking questions that I thought he should know like "Where do we keep XYZ", shit like that, and I honestly can't even remember what the questions were, I just remember wanting him to get out of the kitchen so I could finish getting everything out to the table (wish much help from Linsey, I may add). I made the mistake of telling him to stop acting like a guest at our own party. So then he stopped talking to me at all, like he does. I tried to help him clean up after dinner, but he wanted none of that, so I left the kitchen. As soon as everyone left, he asked me what the fuck he did to be called a guest in his own home. He didn't yell, really, but it was decidedly NOT a friendly tone. Voice raised, and asked in a way that was more about fighting than resolving. I told him that I'd talk to him, but I'm not going to get yelled at. No, I don't remember the exact words I used, but that was the gist. Then he didn't talk the rest of the night. Now this morning, he started asking what he did again, but this time, based on what he was saying, I think he misunderstood why I said that to him. I think he thinks I meant that he was asking to be waited on or not helping enough, or something like that. That wasn't it at all. Like I said, I can't honestly remember what he was asking/doing, but it wasn't that. He's always VERY helpful when we have company. Unless he gets trashed, which he didn't yesterday, and that's the topic for another entry. I did have a sort of epiphany this morning though. I can't ever tell him, because I'm pretty sure he'd just laugh, make fun of me, or completely negate it as bullshit. See, when he raises his voice, yells, or uses certain words/phrases, I get scared. I try not to show it, and I think that's because I don't want him to make fun of my feelings. He tends to do that a lot when we argue/fight. I'll tell him something while crying, and he'll laugh. It may be my absolute least favorite thing about him. When we fight, his whole demeanor changes, and it's like he fucking hates me. It almost never seems like he wants to resolve things, but it seems more like he just wants to eviscerate me. And not for nothing, but... He has hit me three times in the distant past. All while drunk and on some prescription that he says caused the incidents. I'm not saying that I don't agree with him on that either. All three times, he was drunk and on that prescription. Nothing like that has happened in a very long time. Still - I think it's always in the back of my mind. Fighting with him when he gets so mean also scares me because I love him. I don't want to get divorced. I don't. The good times far outweigh the bad times, but I also don't want him to cross a line and say something that I know I'll never get over. I guess when I think about it, that's already happened. He hasn't talked to me now since yesterday afternoon, and my stomach isn't in knots the way it used to be. It scares me that I'm starting not to care so much anymore. I've tried talking to him about all of these things before, but I just don't think he ever truly gets it or how it makes me feel. Looking back... Same Old Shit - 2024-06-24 � |